It's not a good one. I'm pretty sure a lot of people out there would think,
" Bitch is an attention seeker."
Sorry for trying to let out my thoughts instead of keeping them to myself and then remotely kill myself afterwards due to the amount of stressness and gruesome loneliness i am feeling.
So this is the habit.
That apparently only a friend of mine knows. But honestly, i don't think i have friends. But lets just go on. It's called.
Cutting.
I'm telling you. DO NOT CUT FOR GOD FORSAKEN SAKE.
It's a bad habit ok. Though. I never dared to cut it deep. Like those survivors i've seen. I've not went through the path they went. The path they went were horrible. Really really really bad people were in their way to living and loving life.
Funny though. Back then i used to be that ' counselor' to my friends who cut. And i'd make deals with them. Like for example,
If you cut your beautiful wrist or anywhere on your skin i will not take all three meals of mine for a day.
So it went pretty nice. However, that was back then was in Primary school/middle school i guess? I have no idea how the place at yours work but. Yeah.
I guess. That sucks huh. I'm such a fucking hypocrite. One of the reasons as to why i hate myself and my life.
That's done with my habit.
On to the next topic.
I sometimes don't know how to react or think when my close 'friends' are talking bad about another friend of mine who's actually in the same 'group' as them.
I just get paranoid and shit. Usually when they discuss about it infront of me. I just distant my eyes. I drift off. Thinking, if this actually happens in my daily life. If my 'friends' were this way as well behind my back. They always had this happy-go-lucky face whenever they're with me. But i don't know how they talk about me behind my back. So i get paranoid and think stuff like this.
Reasons why i now try to distant myself. I don't know. I seem.. Different. I get paranoid easily. It's because i think too much. And the fact that i hardly have friends now.
Back when i was in Primary school, i was the popular kid. Yeah. I didn't believe it either. Everywhere i went in school. People knew my name. But in Secondary school? I was considered as an outcast. An idiot. A nerd. A better word would be.
An outsider.
See? I start thinking rubbish again. But hey. It's not like it's not true.
Practically sometimes the reason why i never came to school but hey. Out of all of my absentees only 1 or two of them would count as me being 'unsick' nearly all of the time. I'm sick as fuck and i just can't handle going to school.
I hate going to school. Not because i hate studying. Honestly, i really like studying. See? ((Nerd alert))
I just don't show it cause. "Studying is not cool."
Peer pressure.
I hate going to school because
- I don't particularly have friends.
- I have popular friends.
- Who gives no shit about me.
- I'm an outsider.
- Everyone hates me.
- Teachers hate me.
- ((Especially my form teacher not to mention.))
See? All the more reason to killing myself. The only way to escape instead of killing myself (( cause i was scared )) was through cutting. Cutting was the only way i could cope. Cause i keep bragging bout' my singing. My dancing skills. When honesltly? I don't have them. I'm not trying to be modest. I really don't. And with this ugly skinny body of mine, i look like some idiot when i dance eventhough dancing is my passion. I stopped dancing when i realized i looked like an idiot. The only time i danced was CCA. Hah. I'm such a fucking pathetic piece of attention whore.
I am. I so fucking am. That's why i'm doing this right?
tata.